Iktomi Gnaye The Spider's Fool
by D. M. Evans
Summary: Lindsey's hope for a nice vacation goes awry
1. Default Chapter

SEQ CHAPTER h r 1IKTOMI'S GNAYE

(The Spider's Fool)

By D.M. Evans

Disclaimer - Nope still haven't morphed into a man named Joss. Mr. Whedon owns all with the following exceptions: James Whirlwind Soldier, he's mine. Sophie, she's S.J. Smith's and both are copyrighted to The Cauldron. Iktomi owns himself as it should be.

Feedback - yes please, 

Rating - PG-13

Pairing – None, Lindsey-centric

Summary - Lindsey's hopes for a good vacation get dashed when he attracts the attention of an elder god.

Author's Note - # 1 This story was written for the Angel Book of Days: Spring and was written for Ragna

Author's Note # 2 - I TRIED for humor, really I did. They tell you in creative writing, humor is the hardest thing to write. They aren't kidding. I shot for humor. I hit sarcastic irony. Sorry. I wish I had done better but at least it's not angst. And thanks to SJ Smith for editing this monster and for letting me play with Sophie. Any mistakes in the Lakota language are all mine. The web sites named in the story are real and no harm is meant in using them.

Author's Note #3 – this is a 6 chaptered story

CHAPTER ONE

Lindsey studied the Lakota medicine shield that had been picked up by an operative. He preferred that term to calling her what she really was; a thief. He didn't know what the Senior Partners wanted with this piece of painted leather and didn't really care. He was just its temporary guardian. It was an interesting item, though, reminding him somehow of home but it didn't feel bad like thinking of home often did.

His head wasn't into work. Dreams pushed into his mind during boring staff meetings. He was expecting Saeth for the weekend. She was flying in from Wales for a little R&R. Lindsey was looking forward to a few nights of stormy leather, being covered in caramel, deerskin floggers, mink-lined cuffs and liquid latex. He needed more weekends like the one he was anticipating, where all he needed to think about was spending time with someone exciting like Saeth. The fact that Wolfram and Hart considered her an unfriendly made their illicit tryst that much more exciting.

He looked up, hearing Lilah's heeled footfalls. Even the sight of her darkening his doorway didn't dampen his high spirits. Lindsey was sailing on the idea of introducing Saeth to Los Angeles in the full bloom of spring.

Lilah leaned against the doorway. "Busy weekend planned?"

"No." He leaned back in his chair, unable to appear busy or even mildly interested.

She snorted. "So, you took off tomorrow for no reason?"

"It's spring. Maybe I want to run barefoot through the wild flowers." Lindsey smirked at her.

Lilah shoved her hair out of her weary eyes. "Now there's an image I'll be chuckling over all the way home."

"Speaking of which, time to call it a day." Lindsey locked his desk, put the medicine shield in the wall safe then pushed past Lilah. She stepped back and let him past. She seemed exhausted and Lindsey knew why. They both had been working extra hard just to stay alive after the Darla debacle. He promised himself that he wouldn't think about Darla. He knew he still had feelings for her. Saeth didn't care about that. She was all about polyamory and didn't care if he shared himself with others.

"So you'll be off beeper then?" Lilah pressed.

"I didn't say that," Lindsey replied, not wanting to let Lilah get a clue as to what he was up to. She was likely to ruin it if she could.

Lilah smiled like the cat who swallowed a flock of canaries. "Up to no good? That's our boy."

Lindsey watched her walk off, wondering if she would have believed that he was up to something regardless of what he said or had he inadvertently given up something with his body language? If it was the latter, he'd need to do something about it in the future. He couldn't afford to have Lilah reading his face.

He headed home, finding that the concierge of his condo had let in the florists as per his request. He had ordered enough flowers to cover an entire room. Lilacs, tulips, poppies, roses, little brightly colored daises and lilies, he didn't know if Saeth was the hearts and flowers type but somehow he thought they were appropriate.

As he stood in the doorway, surveying the potently fragrant floral arrangements, Lindsey noticed that someone was moving in to the condo next to his. It hadn't been on the market a week. He thought about saying hello but the shaved-headed pair of men and their "fresh from the bimbo mould" girlfriends looked less than friendly. They didn't look like the condo's usual clientele. One of the men took a look at the explosion of flowers in Lindsey's condo and smirked. Lindsey thought he heard the man mutter, 'fag.'

Lindsey locked the door, wondering if he had heard what he thought he heard. What a less than auspicious way to meet the new neighbors. Putting the group of out of his mind, he arranged the flowers more evenly through the condo then hit the shower. He needed to steam away the slime from a day at Wolfram and Hart. It was his ritual, a way to rejuvenate and save what soul he had left.

He was going to see if Lorne had any suggestions for the upcoming weekend. He didn't want to go to Caritas contaminated with the energies of Wolfram and Hart, as if a shower could actually make him really clean. Drying off was still a challenge one-handed, but he was getting better, quicker. He pulled on his boxers and blue jeans, loving just being in something other than dress slacks. He picked up the tube of Mederma and squeezed some of the medicine onto the end of what was left of his arm. It was supposed to help reduce the surgical scars. He saw that the stump was swollen and it hurt more than usual as he rubbed the medicine in. The doctors had explained it all to him, how the stump could swell and contract for a period of up to a year. It was the reason he had to settle for a cheap prosthetic arm. He had to wait until the amputation was fully healed because a functional prostheses cost too much to fit on a stump that wasn't healed and could swell. Lindsey tugged a compressive stocking on his arm then slid on the prosthesis, fumbling with the straps to fasten it on.

He headed down the elevator, wondering if he should even go. He hated going to Caritas any more. He used to love it, playing his guitar, singing and now he couldn't do that. He loathed himself because of it. He despised Angel even more. He wanted his life back. He wanted to be able to play guitar. Hell, he'd settle for being able to tie his own shoelaces without a struggle.

"Hello, Mr. McDonald." The doorman opened the stained glass doors for him.

"Hey, Louis. I see I'm getting new neighbors." Lindsey knew Louis knew more about the condominium's doings than anyone else.

Louis rolled his eyes. "So, you're the unlucky one."

Lindsey's jaw tightened. "How so?"

"Your neighbors are the creative geniuses behind the death metal group, Three Days Dead."

Lindsey wrinkled his nose. "How'd they get past the condo review board?"

Louis shrugged. "Money talks."

"Good point. Could you hail me a cab, Louis?"

Lindsey didn't really care for taking cabs and having to take one to Caritas made it even more bitter since it was adding one thing spoiled on top of another. He loved to drive. He enjoyed taking his sports car out of L.A. and opening her up on the lonely mountain roads heading north. His sports car was a stick shift as was his beloved truck. He couldn't drive either now that he only had one hand. He had driven the truck a little, abusing the gears, slapping them around with his fake hand so he tried not to get behind the wheel. He was selling the sports car.

Caritas was crowded as usual. What looked like frat boys were mangling '_We are the Champions' _when Lindsey pushed his way through to a back table and ordered a beer. Lorne floated his way, obviously not particularly interested in what was happening on stage.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite pilgrim." Lorne patted him on the shoulder. "Tell me you're singing tonight."

Lindsey had never been entirely comfortable with Lorne's touchy–feelie ways nor his penchant for handing out a series of silly nicknames but he was an okay sort of demon. He had given Lindsey a lot of useful guidance in the past. "I'll be singing. I just need to get on the list."

"I'll have Missy fast track you. And I'll get the house to comp you your next drink," Lorne said then sailed off as the frat boys left the stage, looking for their reading.

Lindsey sat back, nursed his beer and thought about what he wanted to sing. He usually did his own original stuff but since he didn't have his guitar and was less than sure about his abilities to sing without accompaniment, decided his best bet was to pick something from the karaoke vaults. He was in his own little world when someone sat down at his table.

"Surprise, surprise, didn't think I'd see you here." Lilah smiled at him.

Lindsey scowled, wondering if it was coincidence or had she somehow followed him. "I was thinking that myself. Don't you have to go to work tomorrow?"

"Maybe I'll take a page from your book and stay out all night and play hooky tomorrow." Her grin broadened.

"What do you want, Lilah? I'm trying to enjoy myself." Lindsey knew he'd never get rid of her so easily.

"Oh, don't tell me you're not here to see which of us gets the prize in the end. You've got something planned, probably ready to make your big move and have me cut." Lilah sobered. "Literally."

Lindsey entertained that idea. He couldn't tell Lilah he was thinking of getting out. She'd see it as ludicrous. There was no out for people like them. Wolfram and Hart owned them. "No, I'm not. I just want to see how the weekend goes."

An oily smile smeared over her face. "Has our little man found someone who doesn't mind working around the defects?" She tapped her manicured nails on his fake hand.

"I still have one good hand, Lilah. Want to see what I can do with it?" He gave her the middle finger.

"No, you might break one of your blisters." She mimed a jerking off motion, which seemed somehow even more obscene coming from someone who was still dressed in a thousand dollar business suit. She blew him a kiss.

Before he could respond, a very off key voice boomed from the front of the bar.

_Lily my one and only  
I can hardly wait till I see her  
silly I know I'm silly  
cause I'm hanging in this tree  
in the hopes that she will catch a glimpse of me  
and thru her window shade  
I watch her shadow move  
I wonder if she.......? _

Lindsey had to look to see what could mangle the Smashing Pumpkin's _Lily_ so badly. He had no idea what kind of demon it was but it looked like it left a trail of slime like a slug and was painted in the popular Miami home coloring of Pepto-Bismol pink with aqua stripes. Even Lilah gave off tormenting him to watch the thing in horror.

_"lily my one and only  
love is in my heart and in your eyes  
will she or won't she want him  
no one knows for sure"_

"Ewww, imagine that singing to you." Lilah shuddered.

"Maybe if you were a female whatever that is, you'd be impressed." Lindsey's brow furrowed. "Or is that a female singing?"

"I have no idea but it sings so bad, I thought it might be Angel at first. Heard he was awful." Lilah seemed inordinately pleased at the idea.

Lindsey sided with her on that. "So, are you just going to sit here and annoy me?"

"Pretty much." Lilah crossed her shapely legs slow and deliberate, drawing his eyes to them. "Maybe I'll sing later."

"Talk about frightening."

It was Lilah's turn to make obscene gestures. Lindsey ignored her and got up as Missy called his name to take over the stage from Miami Slimer. He waited until it was properly mopped up first. He saw Lilah watching him intently and that made him all the more determined to sing his heart out. He didn't need the TelePrompTer for the lyrics. He knew them by heart. He just longed to have his guitar in hand as he launched into Toby Keith's _Dream walkin_'

_"She left a yellow rose and a long neck bottle  
On a table beside my bed  
With a short little note that said I had a good time  
It was written in lipstick red  
She didn't sign her name I wonder  
If that a little secret that she keeps  
Ooo... she's walkin' around in my sleep_

Dream walkin', pillow talkin'  
She's callin' my name again  
Day's breakin' I ain't wakin' up, I'm sleepin' in  
I'm on a roll now, I gotta know how this dream ends."

Seeing Lorne was detained by one of his fans, Lindsey pushed his way back to his table. He'd rather not get his reading on stage in front of everyone as it was. Lindsey's anticipatory smile faded seeing Lorne's grim face.

"Beautiful, as always, pilgrim," Lorne said. "But..."

"Looks like there's bad news" Lilah seemed thrilled at the idea.

"Whatever it is you have planned, cancel," Lorne said.

"What? Why?" Lindsey had no plans of telling Saeth not to come.

"The Gods have suddenly decided they like you and are interested in what you're doing. This is never a good thing," Lorne said, sympathetically.

"Ah-oh, sounds like someone is about to become the butt monkey to the Powers That Be." Lilah gave him a superior look.

"'Fraid the little lady's right, blue-eyes," Lorne said.

Lindsey shook his head. "You have to be wrong. What did I do to deserve this?"

"Something not meant for you came into your possession. Whatever it is, get rid of it. Things are only going to go from bad to worse until you do. In fact, you might want to just get out of town...or at least, out of my bar until this passes." Lorne shot him an apologetic look. "Just don't want the place to burn down."

"Is that a possibility?" Lindsey asked, horrified as he ran through all the things that had just came into his possession. At home, there were the flowers and some chocolate marshmallow body butter and amaretto flavored massage oil. He couldn't see why any of those would warrant him getting reamed by the Powers. At work there was any number of things including two amulets, a scroll and the medicine shield.

"In a word, yes. Sorry, blue eyes." Lorne patted his back. "Oh, and when the dark-haired woman enters your field of view, run like hell."

Lindsey frowned. Saeth was a dark-haired woman. So was Lilah for that matter; at least until she decided to dye her hair something different. "This sucks."

"Depends on your point of view. I'm amused." Lilah grinned.

Lindsey curled his lip at her, getting up. "Thanks, Lorne."

"Sorry it wasn't better news."

Lindsey didn't even wait for Lilah to get a chance to rub it in. He left and caught a cab, going home in a deep funkHe stripped, took off his prosthesis and crawled into bed. As he snuggled down, trying to figure out what Lorne could have been referencing, he was assaulted by the very loud sounds of sex coming from the new neighbors' place. Groaning, he bumped up the volume on his clock radio and fought for sleep.


	2. Twist of Fate

SEQ CHAPTER h r 1CHAPTER TWO

The ringing phone dragged Lindsey out of a dead sleep. He put the wrong end to his ear first then fumbled it into place. "Yeah...Oh, Saeth, yeah you woke me but that's okay. Are you in the air?...to where? Why are you going to the Daintree Rainforest in Australia?...Work? But we...no, no, I know you're a Watcher. I know there's some big evil you have to stop...yes, of course...another time...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. It's not often I get to spend time with someone as beautiful and special as you...I'll be looking forward to seeing you. Keep safe. Don't let that thing crawling out of the Dream Time get you."

Lindsey dropped the phone down, acutely disappointed. Lorne was right. Things were suddenly not going his way. It sucked. His engine was revving and he was stuck in neutral. He didn't know why a White Hat like Saeth wanted to be with someone like him. Of course, as a special Ops Watcher, she was more steel grey than white.

"Damn." Lindsey rolled out of bed and shrugged on his robe. It wasn't the missed weekend of sex, the hundreds of dollars worth of flowers or the toys that wouldn't get used. It was having someone outside of work, someone outside of the shark-filled ocean he swam in that he would miss being with. He wanted to forget the pressures, to forget the awful thing he was in danger of becoming. Angel was trying to force him out of the life. Saeth echoed that in her own way. He had been expecting to lose himself in Saeth, maybe go away with her. It was a fantasy he had toyed with.

Now the Powers were against him. Something that had come into his possession, if Lorne was right. It had to be something at work. Flowers were hardly a threat and he'd already decided to send them to the children's cancer wards at three local hospitals. He didn't see any inherent threat in sex toys other than they'd sit in the closet mocking him for their lack of use. Oh, he could probably make one-handed use out of the massage oil but what good was an amaretto-flavored penis if there was no one to enjoy it?

Lindsey stepped out on his balcony to enjoy his view of L.A.. He so rarely had time to just sit out on the balcony with a cup of coffee in the morning or a beer at night. He ought to go in and brew some coffee and just lounge around for a while, enjoying his view of the city or of the condo pool and its bikini-clad girls eleven stories down.

Something fluttering on the balcony next to his caught Lindsey's eyes. He turned to get a better look and saw his new neighbors had a large black and white flag flying from their balcony. Small decorative flags were allowed but not full-sized one like the new neighbors had. Even worse, it was a German eagle with a SS banner clutched in its beak. Lindsey couldn't squelch the revulsion the image stirred in him. He might be able to deal with the evil at Wolfram and Hart but evil on the Nazi scale gave him the cold shivers. That should tell him that really he ought to get out of Wolfram and Hart since they could be capable of such evil and worse. Their evil touched many dimensions.

He stormed back inside and called the office manager. "Sorry for calling so early Ms. Bratcher but you need to know my next door neighbors are flying a Gestapo flag off their balcony...yes, it is a flagrant violation of the rules...thank you for dealing with this."

Lindsey put the neighbors out of mind, made some coffee, skipped on his view and debated going into work since his holiday was ruined. He decided not to waste a perfectly good spring vacation. Lindsey put his swim trunks on and pulled on a T-shirt. He put a towel, cut offs and underwear in a grocery back along with a book, the latest mystery by Jean Hager dealing with a Cherokee detective. It was set back in his home territory and he liked the familiarity of it.

It sucked going to the beach by himself. A woman would have had the perfect bag for going, as sexist as that thought was. He looked like a hobo. He put a sandwich and a few sodas in a cooler. He wouldn't be at the beach long. He just wanted to get there early and let the sun kiss his skin. He spent too much time in the dark. Lindsey used to enjoy body boarding and swimming but had no confidence to do it minus one hand. Volleyball and fishing were out, too. He wasn't much for just lying on the beach but for a little while it would be okay, certainly better than going into the office.

The beach wasn't crowded yet. Lindsey put down his blanket and stretched out. He tried to get comfortable. His truncated arm felt like his heart had migrated into the stump, beating a mile a minute. As much as he didn't want to do it, he took off the prosthesis. He just hoped people wouldn't stop and stare in spite of themselves. He laid the prosthesis beside him and, with the pressure off, his arm felt better almost instantly. He started to read, losing himself in the book.

He was nearly asleep when something cold and wet inserted itself in his ear. Lindsey jerked awake to see a buff-colored husky with red 'eyeliner' fur. She appeared to be grinning at him, her pink tongue lolling out. She paced down to his feet, licked his soles. While he laughed involuntarily, she lunged and grabbed his prosthesis, wheeling away.

"Son of a bitch!" Lindsey scrambled to his feet. He didn't pause to pull on shoes. He felt awkward racing along the hot sand. He had never been much of a runner and now with half an arm gone he felt like the entire beach was staring at the ludicrous scene of him trying to get his hand back from a huge husky. Maybe he should call her a wolf since she was big enough. "Get back here, you mutt," he screamed and she veered into the surf as if on purpose. "Good doggie, don't drop that arm."

Lindsey had a vision of his arm getting sucked out to sea and he'd have to go to work with his jacket sleeve pinned up. Lilah would be amused. The dog looked back at him and he could have sworn she smiled around the arm clutched in her huge teeth. She cantered out of the surf and sprinted to where two Native Americans were walking down the beach. Lindsey figured them to be from the plains given the darkness of their skins, and the eagle-like grace of their features. He had known a lot of Cherokee growing up in Oklahoma and the duo bore a resemblance to some of his friends.

He had been such an outsider in school, short, smart, poor and having a 'girl's' name. He had three choices for friends since the 'cool' part of the student body wanted nothing to do with him; the burn-out druggies, the trailer trash with whom he shared an upbringing more or less, and the ethnic minority, the Cherokee. Somehow he ended up with them, maybe because of his own lack of a desire to be a burnout or trailer trash. He had had a lot of Cherokee friends, including the girl he gave his virginity to, Jessica Man Killer.

The dog made a beeline for the couple. The stunningly beautiful woman, her breasts barely concealed by the tiny lime green bikini top, held a leash. The man looked somehow amused by something. The dog dropped the arm at the man's feet. Lindsey stumbled to a stop, panting, his lungs on fire. He leaned over trying to catch his breath.

"I am so sorry. Sunka gets so feisty sometimes and slips the leash," the woman said, trying to re-leash the dog who growled.

The man took the leash and got down on his haunches. "Be a good dog, Sunka."

The dog eyed the man so sourly, so intelligently, that Lindsey had a sudden thought. It wasn't a wolf or a dog. It was a shape shifter. Maybe not the typical werewolf, since it was neither night nor a full moon but still there were dozens of shape shifter types. Lindsey had a very bad feeling about this. Lorne's warning came to mind. He was staring at a very beautiful dark-haired woman who put him in mind of Jessica Man Killer and in a very good way. Lorne's unusually solemn fiery eyes flared in Lindsey's mind's eye and he suddenly felt like running like hell in the opposite direction.

"Sorry about this." The woman handed Lindsey back his arm.

For his part, Lindsey shifted from foot to foot. Now on dry sand and shoeless, the hot sand was beginning to burn his soles. He examined his hand, which seemed no worse for wear other than a few pock marks. "No real harm done," he said, figuring he had nothing to gain by making an even bigger scene than he already had.

"Let us buy you some lunch to make up for it," the woman said.

"No, that's all right," Lindsey replied, dancing back to the wet sand. He sighed as the ocean lapped over his toes, cooling his frying soles.

"Are you sure? It's the least we could do." The man seemed a little irritated that Lindsey wasn't receptive to the idea of sitting down to a lunch with them.

"No, it wasn't your fault. You and your girlfriend don't have to do anything. I'll be fine." Lindsey just wished they'd leave him alone and quit calling attention to him.

The woman smiled. "James isn't my boyfriend. We're related."

"That's a very amusing joke," James said to the woman.

"What joke?" The woman cocked her head at her companion.

James seemed suddenly horrified. Sunka barked in what sounded like a laugh. Lindsey was even more convinced the dog was a shape shifter who understood every word being said. That meant his arm hadn't been taken on some doggy whim. Lindsey needed to figure out who they were and why they had targeted him.

"Come on, let us buy you lunch. I'm Dominique Crazy Fox and he's James Whirlwind Solider. You've met Sunka." Dominique smiled, wiggling just a bit as if she could lure him in with those magnificent breasts. It almost worked.

"Nice to meet you, but really it's fine and I have to get going. I have to get to the office. I only have the morning off." Lindsey took off up the beach before they could argue. He didn't want to go into the office but he was going to. It was clear now what Lorne meant. Yesterday he had received a Lakota medicine shield and today his luck had turned to shit. He knew it could be pure coincidence that he received a Lakota holy item and then met two Native Americas but Lindsey wasn't much of a believer in coincidence, especially not with Lorne's warning and the fact that Gwen had stolen the item. There was nothing to do but go on the offensive. Having lunch might have told him something but he didn't want to go anywhere with them until he knew more about the medicine shield. If they were after it, he knew he'd see them again.

After wiping dog drool off his arm and reattaching it, Lindsey packed all his beach stuff up and put it back in his truck. He fumbled with getting the old thing started and in gear. He hadn't wanted to take a cab to the beach, too much pride and not enough good sense. He went home to change. It might be a day off for him but he wasn't about to go into Wolfram and Hart in street clothes.

He showered the sun tan lotion off and dressed just like he did any other day. He put his Armani suit on like armor. He grabbed a bouquet of roses just to see if they'd sway Lilah into taking the medicine shield off his hands. He wasn't in his office five minutes before she came in. It spared him the effort of hunting her down.

"Stood you up, didn't she?" Lilah sat on the edge of his desk, looking immensely pleased at the idea.

"I wasn't stood up, Lilah," he replied sourly. "My days off had no agenda."

"Of course, that's why you're here on your vacation." She ticked a finger against his prosthetic hand. He pulled it out of reach. "Are those bite marks?"

"I'm here because Lorne was right." Lindsey dropped the medicine shield in her lap. "Know anything about this, Lilah?"

Lilah lifted an edge of it with a fingernail and let it slither off her lap onto his desk. "No, and if it's the cursed item Lorne told you to ditch, I don't want to know."

"Liar," Lindsey snarled. "I just looked. You were supposed to take this requisition. You changed it to my workload. Why? What does this thing do?"

"Not a clue. I put you in charge because it's funny to watch you do the hormone dance whenever Gwen of the leather pants brings us something." Lilah gave him that superior smirk of hers. "I was doing you a favor. Maybe you'd get somewhere with her then again probably not. I mean, you couldn't even get an ex-whore of a vampire to lay you."

"I've told you before, don't talk to me about Darla." Lindsey got up. "Tell me what you know about this shield."

"All I know is the Senior Partners wanted it. I have no idea why. I don't want to know. So, was it Gwen who stood you up?" Lilah picked up the bouquet of roses and took a deep whiff.

"My love life isn't any of your concern, Lilah. Besides, those roses are for you."

"Awww, did you really think roses would make me take that shield off your plastic hand?" Lilah swung off his desk. "How dumb do you think I am? It's your problem now, Lindsey. You deal with it. And you can keep your flowers."

Before he knew what she was doing, Lilah grabbed his waist band, pulling on it just enough to jam the bouquet down his pants. His breath caught and she sauntered off. "Thorns," he muttered, very carefully extricating the bouquet. He tossed them on his desk, threw the shield back in the wall safe and started poking around the computer files trying to see if he could figure out what it was and why someone would want it back. He knew he could complain to the Senior Partners about Lilah's dirty trick of sneaking it onto his work load but he would more likely receive a reprimand for allowing it to happen in the first place.

Other than generic information on the importance of medicine shields, Lindsey learned nothing. He could tell that the design on the one in his safe, a beaded spider's web, was unusual. He didn't know enough about the Lakota to tell what kind of power symbol that might be and he couldn't find anything on a search since it was mostly commercial designs that were uploaded to the net, wolves, foxes, that sort of thing. Any in-house information on the shield was restricted to the Senior Partners and within an hour Lindsey had gotten a call to firmly remind him he was on vacation and that things were restricted for a reason.

"Screw it," he muttered. "I need a drink."

Lindsey decided to go home, maybe grab something to eat and put this all behind him. Going for that drink was definitely on the agenda. He dropped the bouquet off on his secretary's desk on his way out as he thought about ways of paying Lilah back for this.


	3. Crazy Coyote

CHAPTER THREE

Lindsey tipped back his beer letting the bitter liquid course down his throat. He loved this bar. The Crazy Coyote was the kind of place no one at Wolfram and Hart would think to look for him, a simple honky tonk that had cheap booze, good music and plenty of dance space. NASCAR memorabilia competed with cowboy/cowgirl themed ads, plaques and pictures of country music stars.

Even if he was a little shy about doing it now, he had suited himself up for a night of dancing. It felt awkward to hold a woman close with a fake hand, just one more thing to hate Angel for. Lindsey was on his second beer, hiding out at his patio table just enjoying the music when a tall blonde approached him. Lindsey corrected himself; she wasn't blonde in so much as nearly albino. Still, she was pretty enough, even if her almost golden eyes were disconcerting.

She smiled at him. "Would you like to dance?"

Lindsey considered it and decided it could be fun. "I'd love to. I'm Lindsey."

"Sophie."

Lindsey let Sophie corral him on the dance floor for the better part of an hour. She was a fantastic dancer and he enjoyed being with her even if she towered over him. He counted himself lucky to find such a pretty, talented woman. By the time they headed back to his table for a breather and a drink, Dominique and James were sitting there. He shot Sophie an accusatory look. "You set me up."

"I guess you could say that." Sophie was utterly unapologetic.

Lindsey refused to let them see they had rattled him by showing up. He didn't know how they had found him unless they had him followed. He had had less disturbing thoughts. Lindsey sat down, leaning back and trying to look casual. "So, what can I do for you?"

"And here I was hoping we could have a few drinks before we got down to business." Dominique pouted. "Even got you a pitcher."

"You drink it. I'll get a bottle, thank you," Lindsey said.

"You don't trust us." Sophie brushed back her white-blond hair as she took the remaining chair between James and Lindsey.

"Trust no one," Lindsey replied.

"Fine, Mulder, we'll do it your way." James smiled thinly as he beckoned over the waitress.

Lindsey looked up. "I'll have another Corona. Are you drinking from the pitcher, Sunka?" Lindsey's eyes canted to Sophie who seemed a little shocked to be called by the dog's name. "Or do you want something else?"

Her lips twitched up. "I'm good."

"I'll say," James muttered and she glared.

The waitress nodded and took off.

"I think someone knows your secret, my pretty little _wasichu_." Dominique giggled at Sophie, pouring a beer for herself. She tried to pour for James but he covered the remaining mug with his hand.

Sophie gazed at Lindsey coolly as she played with the Bud Lite coaster on the table. "So he thinks."

"You stole something from us," James said bluntly. "Give it back and your life goes back to normal."

"You know, a little birdie already told me that something of mine was about to cause me trouble. So what is it you think I have that belongs to you?" Lindsey slumped back in his seat.

"I think you know and you'll feel a lot better once you give it back." Dominique's eyes went flat and deadly in the golden glow of a neon beer sign hanging on the nearby wall.

Lindsey felt his pulse skip a beat. He suddenly realized the true danger and it wasn't Sophie the She-Wolf. It was this dark-haired women just like Lorne had said. "The only things I've purchased recently are flowers and some toys for a lady friend who had to cancel her visit. I've already given away the flowers but I could let you have the toys."

James eyes lit up. "Me and my girl might like that." He dropped a hand on Sophie's knee.

"Talk about amusing jokes." Sophie leveled a glare at James who moved his hand as if it had been resting on a hot stove.

"Speaking of lady friends, I think that's one of yours." Dominique pointed to the woman following their waitress.

Lindsey scowled at Lilah as he accepted the beer. "Put it on my tab please," he told the waitress. "Lilah, what are you doing here?" Lindsey hated this. The Crazy Coyote was supposed to be his safe haven. No one from Wolfram and Hart was supposed to know about it.

"Oddly enough, I got a call." Lilah tried to cover a snicker. "Look at you. Aren't you the little cowboy? You even have a pearl-button shirt." Lilah ticked a finger against the button of his ocean blue shirt.

He whacked her with his prosthetic hand. "Keep your hands off. In fact, why don't you get out of my honky tonk?"

"Awww, is the eenie-weenie Okie mad at little ol' me?" Lilah drawled, batting her eyes as she sat down in the seat James relinquished to her. He looked longingly at the dance floor as the DJ put on Brooks and Dunn's _Boot Scootin' Boogie. _"Who're your friends?"

"Not friends." Lindsey squeezed the lime into his Corona then dropped it in before swigging.

"Of course not. Why would you have friends?" Lilah smiled sweetly.

Lindsey resisted the urge to punch her in the face. "James, Dominique, and Sophie. This is Lilah. She's the one you probably want to be talking to. I have a feeling she has what you're looking for, or at least she was supposed to."

"Then you do know what we're looking for," James said. Sophie and Dominique seemed irked at the ham-handed way he broached the subject.

"Let's just say I have some ideas and I bet Lilah does, too," Lindsey said, waving his bottle at his coworker.

"No clue. Are those snake skin boots?" Lilah laughed, pointing to Lindsey's feet.

Lindsey glared. "What of it?"

"So, you giving back the medicine shield or what?" James toyed with the ends of his long hair impatiently.

"Is that what this is about? That dumb relic?" Lilah sat back and looked at her perfectly painted nails, bored. "We're not authorized to negotiate on that."

"So you do have it?" Sophie looked between the two lawyers.

"Not actually. I'm just the interim caretaker until the object goes to our client whose name I can't give you so don't bother asking. Lilah was the actual caretaker," Lindsey said, still furious about that. "So, if you're responsible for my very recent run of bad luck, you can stop any time now."

"You think we could actually effect luck?" Dominique seemed highly amused.

"James always screws up mine," Sophie said, and it was James' turn to glare.

"I've seen a lot of weird stuff working at Wolfram and Hart. It would hardly surprise me," Lindsey replied.

"So I'm guessing you ain't giving the shield back," James said, still impatient.

"Not mine to give." Lindsey shrugged. "However, if you think you have a legitimate claim by all means hire a lawyer and get an injunction against Wolfram and Hart to prevent the transfer of the item. Take them to court. It should be good for a laugh."

"How about you and I take a few turns around the dance floor and talk about it." Dominique smiled prettily at him.

"Sorry, been warned against women like you. My seer said it would be bad for my health." Lindsey saw that dangerous look return to Dominique's eyes.

"You ought to take her up on the offer. It's not like you'll do any better," Lilah said. "Unless you plan on carrying that sign around with you." Lilah pointed to the plaque reading 'Save a horse, ride a cowboy.' "In this place that might work."

"That's a very good idea." Dominique leaned in. Two extra sets of arms and hands ghosted out of her, touching Lindsey and Lilah in concert. "Ride a cowboy."

As Dominique sat back, looking entirely human again, Lindsey and Lilah exchanged sly grins. Lilah grabbed his real hand and yanked him up. They raced out.

"Neat trick," James observed. "Think you could teach it to me or work a little mojo on..." He inclined his head toward Sophie.

She ran a hand through his long raven hair and smiled feral and cold. "You have one child, James. Do you want the chance to ever even try to father another?" Sophie's voice, while sweet, could have chilled the beer pitcher.

"I like her. She's spicy," Dominique said.

"I know. Some risks are worth taking, Sophie." James blew her a kiss.

She just sighed.


	4. The Morning After Blues

CHAPTER FOUR

Lindsey woke up, his body feeling heavy, sated and down right good. He looked at the woman he was spooned around, the stump of his arm tucked between her warm breasts. He kissed her shoulder, brushing aside her dark hair. He didn't remember Saeth arriving last night. They must have really been celebrating with the Kristal he had bought for her visit. His memory was totally fogged.

His lover woke, shifting in his arms. She turned her face up, smiling at him. Her eyes widened as his jaw dropped. Lilah stared at him for a moment then they both were in motion.

"Oh fuck!" he cried, swinging out of bed.

"Don't bring that up. What did you do?" Lilah got out of bed.

Lindsey couldn't help but look at her lean, supple body. He had never noticed that she was incredibly hot before. "I didn't do anything. What do you remember?"

Lilah's brow creased. "The bar...the guys who wanted the medicine shield."

Lindsey nodded. "They did something to us."

"Great. Their idea of funny was to stick me with stumpy. I'm going to do something and it's not going to be nice," Lilah growled, heading for her clothing. She tripped over something. Bending down, she picked up a narrow leather paddle done in gold with an arrow-shaped head. "An Aztec tawse. You know, I have a distinct memory of using this on you and you liked it, you kinky little bastard."

Lindsey lunged across the bed. "Give me that."

Lilah danced back, twirling the paddle like a baton. "In full possession of my faculties, I'm not sure I'm up for another round, even though spanking you is tempting." She tossed the paddle on the bed then grinned. "At least not all of you is small."

Growling, his face burning, Lindsey rolled back out of bed and pulled on his boxers. "Bitch."

"I'm pretty sure that's not what you were calling me last night." Lilah pulled on her underpants and bra. She squatted down by the garbage can in the master bath. "There'd better be condom wrappers in here."

"Please let there be condom wrappers," he mumbled under his breath. "Where's my hand?"

"Probably used as a sex toy. Check the sheets."

He glared at her. "Not funny, Lilah."

"Yeah, neither's the lack of condom wrappers."

"Shit. Got any RUD40?" Lindsey pulled on his pants.

"I can get some." Lilah came back out and found the rest of her clothes.

Lindsey wanted a shower but she'd probably find that amusing somehow. Worse she might want to join him.

"You know what the worst part of this is?" she asked.

He groaned. "There's a good part?"

"It was actually good sex." Lilah shot him a look that said how dare he be good in bed.

Lindsey curled his lip, hating to admit she had a point. Now that his memory was trickling in, the sex had been very good. He wanted his memory gone again. The phone rang, saving him from having to answer. He hurried out to answer, desperate for rescue. "Hello...Linwood? I'm not on duty...oh...yes, we did but it was a spell...but it really was a spell, we didn't want to...yes, I understand...I'll tell her." Lindsey slammed the phone down.

Lilah leaned on the door frame. "Let me guess, the Senior Partners know we broke the no fraternization rule."

"Yes, and how they might know that makes me shudder." Lindsey cringed.

Lilah's eyes looked nervous. "How bad's the damage?"

"We've both been sanctioned. The fine is ten thousand a piece." Lindsey looked rather relieved that's all the worse it was.

Lilah shrugged. "At least it wasn't a body part."

"No kidding. You leaving?" He tried not to sound too hopeful. She might stay just to spite him.

"Can't imagine why I'd stay." Lilah headed for the door then stopped. She picked up his arm. "We must have been in some hell of a hurry last night."

He took it from her, wincing as he tried to put the prosthesis on.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Lilah's voice carried a touch of compassion, a hint that she was a human being with feelings under her pretty armor.

"Like you wouldn't believe." Lindsey strapped it on as someone knocked on the door.

"If that's your friends, I'd suggest shoving that hand somewhere it'll never see sunlight," Lilah said.

"I'm way ahead of you." Grimly, Lindsey opened the door.

A man boldly stepped in with an electronic clipboard in hand. Two people behind him wheeled in a coffin. "Shelton, Raoux, and Buckhalter funeral services. Here's the coffin you ordered. Sign here, please."

"Lindsey, you little pervert." Lilah came over and patted his cheek. "I'm so glad this didn't arrive yesterday.

"I didn't order a coffin," Lindsey moaned, knowing who was responsible for this. "Get it out of here."

"Here's the order form, sir. Already paid for." The man showed Lindsey his address on the electronic clip board.

"I didn't order any damn coffin. Take it back," Lindsey said as Lilah sauntered off down the hallway.

"Sorry, sir, we have our orders. We could get sued if we don't make our deliveries," the man said, still chipper as his men set the coffin on the living room floor.

"I'm a lawyer and I'm telling you I will sue if you don't get this coffin out of here," Lindsey snarled.

The man handed him a business card. "Ask for Mr. Irwin, the office manager. He'll take care of any of your concerns."

The funerary men were out of the door and down the hall in record time, probably on their way to a pick up, Lindsey thought miserably. He looked at the mahogany casket with brass fittings. "You had best be empty."

He struggled to open the smaller portion that would cover the head. It was empty, lined with pristine white satin. He put in a call to Irwin and got voice mail. He left a suitably threatening message then went for his shower. He stayed for the better part of an hour steaming and scrubbing until his skin was pink and there wasn't a hint of Lilah left on his flesh.

The funeral home hadn't called back. He figured they wouldn't until he gave up the medicine shield, which he wasn't going to do. On a sudden impulse, he went to the neighbors. Their door was now plastered in their own band memorabilia. He ignored the blatant violation of the codes and knocked. One of the skin heads answered.

"What?" He pulled the cigarette away from his cracked lips and blew smoke at Lindsey.

"Did you by any chance order a coffin?" Lindsey thought the man looked drugged but he brightened at the mention of the casket.

"Yeah."

"Well, it's in my place. Would you please come get it?" Lindsey said, tersely.

The man shrugged. "Yeah, sure, can't have a party without it."

"Party?" Lindsey tried not to sound horrified.

"Sorry, buddy, can't really invite you." Skin-Head gave Lindsey a critical once over. "You're not really our type of people.

Lindsey kept the 'thank god' to himself. "I'll be happy if you just get the coffin the hell out of my place."

Skin-Head puffed more smoke at him and Lindsey still refused to give him the satisfaction of him coughing. "You mean now?"

"Yes, now. Can't have a party without it, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't get your candy ass all tight." Skin-Head came out into the hall. "You gonna give me a hand?"

Lindsey held up his prosthetic limb. "Could but it's not likely to help you much. Why don't you get your partner?"

"He's sleeping." Skin-Head scratched his crotch. "Can't we do this later?"

"They're coming to retrieve your paid-for coffin as a misdelivery soon," Lindsey lied.

Skin-Head sighed and went in to get his companion. Lindsey went back into his place. The two skin heads came in. The second one smelled gamey.

"You got some nice stuff," Smelly said, his eyes casing Lindsey's living room like a common thief.

"Yes, I do," Lindsey said, cold and arrogant.

"What happened to your hand?" Skin-Head asked as he and Smelly tried to lug the coffin out.

Lindsey raised an eyebrow. "A vampire cut it off with an ax. Really, I should have keep the coffin. I know people who could make good use of it."

The two musicians gave him nervous looks – probably thinking him insane as opposed to believing vampires were real - and hauled faster. Lindsey slammed the door behind them and tried to figure out what to do with his day. He looked outside from his balcony and saw James, Sophie and Dominique propped up against a beautiful truck. They were eyeballing the front door of his condo complex.

"Son of a bitch."

Lindsey decided he wasn't going to let them get to him. He went to the underground garage and went out the back entrance. He headed for the botanical gardens. Why waste a spring full of beauty worrying about bad luck, good sex with all the wrong person, shitty neighbors or being stalked by supernatural beings. He needed to unwind and think of a plan.


	5. Dancing with the Trickster

CHAPTER FIVE

Lindsey had enjoyed the arboretum. The scent of the rose arbor drove out the badness from his mind, letting him just drift away. For a while he thought of nothing but the bittersweet taste of enjoying a place alone when he had desperately wanted to bring Saeth to. For the most part, Lilah and the odd trio didn't enter his mind, though the Matillaja Poppies with their large white flowers and raised centers the size, shape and color of an egg yolk put him in mind of Sophie for some reason.

He wandered past the blue-purple salvia flowers that nestled at the past of the Snow-in-Summer Melaleuca trees whose crowns were covered with white blossoms. He sat for a while by the waterfall and contemplated treason. He wanted his life back and his luck. He didn't know what he was dealing with when it came to the trio but it was power, that much he knew. He had no doubt that his life would just get more ludicrous and miserable if he didn't give back the shield. Of course if he did that, he was a dead man. He might as well coat himself in blood and throw himself to Angel. At least the vampire was more inclined to mercy than the Senior Partners. If he couldn't come up with a better plan, if his life turned even crappier, he'd try to entice them to steal the damn shield and leave him alone.

Lindsey treated himself to real Italian food at a hole in the wall mom and pop place that he kept close to his heart. He felt like waddling home after stuffing himself on an antipasti of _cozze all'aglio e prezzemolo._ Those mussels in garlic wine sauce had slithered down his throat, barely sating him. Sex with Lilah seemed to have left him starving. The _filetto di manzo al Barolo, tarfuto e lenticchie_ had gone a long way to stuffing him, his serving having been huge hunks of beef in red wine and truffles over a heaping pile of lentils. The_ nido di pasta sfoglia ai lamponi,_ delicate pastry nests stuffed with raspberries and zabaione put him in a sweet, sugary heaven as he made his way home.

All his wonderful Mediterranean meal turned to lead shot when he got to the door and Louis eyed him sourly. "Mr. McDonald, the condo administration is very upset that your guests are having a loud party with the people next door and that your dog was seen swimming in the pool and stealing tennis balls."

"What are you talking about? I have no dog. I have no guests and I wouldn't associate with the brain-dead scumbags next door if they promised me a featuring role in their next video."

"Your guests had keys to the front door and your condo." Louis gave him an arrogant sniff.

"I'll straighten this out. If I have to call the police, Louis, I will let you and the condo board know," Lindsey said, pushing past the door man who now looked worried.

"But they had keys."

"Copies, illegal. I don't blame you, Louis. You couldn't have known except for the fact I didn't mention I had guests staying over as I'm required by the condo rules to do," Lindsey replied coolly.

Louis looked crushed. "But you did give notification, sir."

"Of one guest but I canceled her out," Lindsey replied.

"It's right here, three guests." Louis showed him the ledger.

Lindsey smiled flatly. "They're good. I'll give them that."

Even though he had warning, the sight of his condo door standing open took him aback. The coffin was back in his place and Skin-Head was doing a line of coke off Dominique's belly as she lay inside. James and Sophie were standing against the railing of his balcony, watching with apparent disinterest.

"You all have about five minutes to get out of here before the cops get here. And no, I didn't call them but about half this condo did." Lindsey grabbed the sword he had had on the wall above his fireplace out of one of his neighbor's bimbo girlfriend's hands before she accidentally impaled herself.

"The cops won't bugger us." Skin-Head said, wiping a streamer of blood and white powder from his nose.

"Oh, you see, I think they will. Not to mention I'm a lawyer with one of the largest law firms in the country and I'm very capable of suing each and every one of you for breaking and entering, burglary, possession of a controlled substance and damages. I could take you all for everything you own and have your pay checks coming to me for the next twenty years so I'd reconsider that," Lindsey ranted.

He was surprised and mildly amused that the threat of a lawsuit had more power to clear a room than the threat of the police. They were practically trampling each other to get out the door. Dominique peered over the edge of the casket, seeming very amused. He wondered if she was adding to the panic. He went over and tapped her high cheekbone with the end of his sword. "Any reason I shouldn't just seal you up in here for good?"

She pushed the sword away unfazed. "Think you can take me, blue eyes?"

Dominique lunged at him, capturing him in strong arms. She pulled him on top of her in the coffin, her mouth finding his hungrily. He couldn't free himself. Her hands seemed to be everywhere, touching him all over. Finally she let go, shoving him out of the coffin. Both he and his sword thumped to the floor. Dominique swung out of the coffin, now in possession of six arms. That explained all the touching. Lindsey shuddered.

"Who are you?" Lindsey wiped at his mouth. "I'd say Kali but that's the wrong kind of Indian."

"Not even close," James said with a snicker as he came in off the balcony.

"Whatever. You three, get this coffin the hell out of here and we can talk." Lindsey got up, holding his sword

"Are you sure?" Dominique batted her eyes at him. "You and I can have some fun."

"No! I'll be having nightmares about the 'fun' you made me have last night." He eyed her sourly. "I don't need to add to it."

"I just released a little hidden passion," Dominique assured him as she and Sophie lifted the coffin and dragged it next door.

James went to the kitchen and raided the fridge while the women worked. He sucked the goo out of the last of Lindsey's Krispy Kreme's. Lindsey felt like impaling him. James seemed liked he was the only one Lindsey could take on physically and win.

"Hidden my ass. There's nothing but inner loathing for each other inside of us. Nice little joke," Lindsey said.

"You enjoyed yourself," Dominique said, coming back. Two of her hands were playing with her hair, two with her breasts and the remaining two reached for Lindsey.

He danced back, sword tip coming up. "Yeah, right. Okay, you tell me who you guys really are and you, Ms. Sophie, am I right in thinking you have enhanced senses? If so, could you please sniff around and see if those morons left any drugs. I want them out of here if they did. Do that for me and we'll talk about this medicine shield."

Sophie shrugged and started doing a search of the apartment.

"Thank you." Lindsey placed a call downstairs. "Louis, yes, please do call the police for me. The people next door broke into my apartment. Thank you."

"He won't be able to reach them, not on your behalf," Dominique said.

"Because you won't let it happen?" Lindsey asked and Dominique nodded. "Fine, so who the hell are you?"

"You've guessed half of it. Sophie's our lycanthrope," Dominique said as Sophie returned with a bag of weed clenched in a towel to keep her fingerprints off the baggy.

"Down the hall there's an incinerator shaft. Dump it," Lindsey said and Sophie handed the bag to him. Lindsey took the towel with a sigh and dumped the drugs himself.

"James is a _wicasa wakan_," Dominique said as he returned. "That's Lakota for holy man."

"I was the guardian of the shield," James said, looking irritated that he had failed.

"Guess you didn't do a good job," Lindsey replied, flopping on his couch. He indicated for them to sit if they wanted to.

"It wasn't my boy's fault," Dominique said giving James' back a pat. "You sent a pretty woman after the shield. James is _heyoka_, a contrary. They tend to get into trouble."

"So what are you?" Lindsey wanted a drink or twelve.

"He's the trickster," James said.

Lindsey's brow creased. "You're Rabbit?"

Dominique pouted, all of her hands stabbing inward in a strange akimbo. "At least you didn't say 'Coyote.' That show-off gets all the good press. Hell, you were even in his club last night."

"Coyote really owns that?" Lindsey figured nothing would surprise him now. "So you're not Rabbit?"

"Do I look like a rabbit?" Dominique's eyes crinkled in irritation. "I guess that you even know my Cherokee brother is surprising enough, more than most _Wasichus_ would know." Dominique's hands waved over her body, a cloudy white light pouring out of them. When the magic cleared, Dominique was now a tall Lakota brave with a showy headdress and heavily beaded buckskins. The male incarnation made the kiss Lindsey had received even more disturbing.

"Wow, I'm really glad I said no to that dance," Lindsey said, and the warrior gave him a vicious look.

"Meet Iktomi. I'm sure you'll be as thrilled about him as the rest of us," Sophie said in a droll tone.

"How'd you get hooked up with him?" Lindsey asked, trying to place the name Iktomi but couldn't. "You look a little pale for this crew, no offense."

"I'm James' friend and he needed a favor. No one back in Riveroak wanted James to be alone with Iktomi so I got volunteered because if James doesn't come back none, of us want stuck with his son." Sophie shrugged. "Wambli is in his terrible two's."

"I've got enough brothers and sisters not to wish that on anyone." Lindsey bobbed his head in agreement. James looked offended by both of their assessments of toddlers. "So tell me about Iktomi here. I'm up on my Cherokee legends since, well half my friends growing up were Cherokee but I know nothing about the Lakota."

"That would explain some of the decor." Sophie gestured to a few of the Native America bits of artwork Lindsey had, gifts from friends from a far more innocent time.

"Iktomi's Grandfather Spider, anything stupid Rabbit did, Iktomi's probably done it and worse." James grinned and Iktomi got the dangerous look again at the insult. "Hey wasn't there a tale about Rabbit using you the _winkte _way, Iktomi?"

Lindsey wondered for a moment about James' sanity, seeing the look of fury in the Trickster God's eyes as the eight-limbed creature whirled on the holy man.

"Never bring that up!" Iktomi roared.

"Well, if I was diddled by Rabbit, I wouldn't want it to be known either." James' grin grew. Lindsey wondered why neither James nor Sophie seemed worried or afraid about Iktomi's threat. Being threatened by an Old God made Lindsey nervous. "But that's not to say Iktomi can't be down right dangerous if he's made you a special project and Lindsey, you are most definitely a special project."

"Lucky you," Sophie said, patting Lindsey's knee.

Lindsey tried to adjust his arm, which had begun to hurt more now than ever. Finally he pulled the limb off. "You mean like this?" He held up his stump, which was nearly two times its usual size and red.

"Yep."

Lindsey massaged the painful stump. "The shield, the spider web decoration, it's your shield isn't it?"

"It's the _wahacaka Iktomi_," James said. He nodded at Iktomi, who was still fuming about the Rabbit comments. "It's his."

Lindsey regarded James curiously. "So why are you the guardian?"

"You just got picked to be Iktomi's butt monkey until he gets his shield back." Sophie kicked her feet up on the love seat. "James gets that position for life, apparently."

"Lucky me. See, you get to have your life back as soon as we get Iktomi's shield. I get to have this kind of luck the rest of my days," James said, a sad expression on his dark face.

"Poor bastard. Problem is, I don't have the shield." Lindsey got up and went into the next room to get a tablet and pen. "It's not in my apartment. It's not mine to give, and if I were so dumb as to give it to you in return for the Trickster butting the hell out of my life, it would be such a short life as to not be worth the living." Lindsey started writing.

"Sounds like you have a huge problem." Sophie seemed extremely amused.

Lindsey handed her the note detailing where the item was and how best to rob him tomorrow morning when he went in to work. "I'll tell them I'm coming in to work early to make up for getting sanctioned after last night's indiscretion. By the way, Iktomi, you owe me ten thousand dollars."

"Good luck getting a bent dime out of him," James said. "Iktomi can't hold on to money any more than he can his sobriety."

"Shut up, son." Iktomi dropped four hands on James' head and shoulder and for his part, the holy man didn't seem disturbed or afraid.

"This should work." Sophie passed on the note to James and then Iktomi.

Lindsey took it from the spider god and went into the kitchen. He put the paper into the gas jet then dropped the flaming paper in the sink. "Sound like a plan?"

"Works for me," Iktomi said.

With that the trio left. Lindsey went to drop off, exhausted to the bone. He took two steps into his bedroom and smelled the stale sex. Groaning, he stripped the bed, remade it and still had no taste for lying down in it. He went back to his living room after grabbing a beer from the fridge, put in his favorite old movie, _Porky's,_ and zoned out on his comfortable sofa.


	6. Satisfactory Solutions

CHAPTER SIX

Lindsey wasn't surprised Lilah was in her office when he got to work. He tried very hard not to look at her, wondering if she even had a life. She worked too hard and half that work was to undermine him. He actually did some work before the Trickster, the holy man and the lycanthrope showed up. "Get out of here! I've already told you, you're not getting that shield." He figured he might as well ham it up for any surveillance the Senior Partners most likely had on his office.

"Awww, he thinks he can stop us," Sophie cooed and he figured she was play-acting right back. Why not be the big screen action baddie? That had to be the fun role anyhow.

"Do your thing, Spider-Man." James patted Iktomi's shoulder.

Iktomi's dark eyes narrowed to glowing slits. "What have I told you about calling me that?"

"Good point. You're not as sexy as Tobey Maguire," Sophie said.

Iktomi looked crushed. "Please, Tobey is ugly. I'm far better looking than that." Iktomi spun, turning his disconcerting gaze on Lindsey. "Ah-ah-ah, don't be getting up, _woope wicasa_."

Lindsey paused as he got up from his desk. "Whoopie what?"

"_Woope_, it means law. Not that Iktomi is all that familiar with the concept," James translated.

"Whatever." Lindsey smirked. "Get the hell out of my office before I call security."

"Couldn't have that," the Trickster replied.

Iktomi's extra arms reappeared and they made a throwing motion. Lindsey found himself lifted off his feet and he was pinned to the wall upside down, his mouth covered in sticky webs. He struggled but couldn't budge. He panicked just for a second wondering if he had made a devil's deal that was going to kill him. They had never discussed this part of the plan.

Sophie tapped Lindsey's cheek. "Be thankful those webs don't shoot out his butt like a real spider."

Lindsey grimaced under the webbing.

She grinned as she turned away. "Okay, let's toss the place. The safe has to be in here somewhere. We won't have a lot of time."

They made a half-assed attempt at pulling stuff off shelves and taking down pictures. Lindsey had already told them where the safe was hidden. They 'found' it and Iktomi's strong arms punched right through the wall and into the side of the safe. He pulled out the shield and slipped it on his forearm. The beaded web glowed and began to move, waving as if in a breeze.

"This is it," the Spider-God said with satisfaction.

"Good, let's get out of here," Sophie said, heading for the door.

James clamped Lindsey's encased shoulder. "Man, I sure hope you didn't drink too much coffee this morning. If you have to pee before someone cuts you down, it's gonna run right in your face."

Lindsey groaned and watched James saunter off like he hadn't a care in the world. If he ever met with the trio again, he would have to make it memorable and stacked in his favor. He had no idea how long he hung upside down before Lilah couldn't resist coming in to bother him. She paused in the doorway, surveying the damage.

She looked too stunned to be truly amused. He knew that would come later. "Wow, did your kinky lifestyle spill over into the work place or what?"

He had enough of his remaining hand free to give her the finger. She called security and eventually he was freed from the webbing. He sat in his desk chair, coughing up bits of spider web. Lilah was kind enough to bring him some of the cappuccino from her in-office machine.

"Who beat you up?" she asked, almost looking concerned. "Your groups of friends from the bar?"

"Trickster God," he replied.

"Well, then I don't feel so bad about being out-maneuvered. We're good but we aren't gods...yet." She smirked.

Lindsey rolled his eyes. "What brought you into my office this time, Lilah, not that I'm not grateful."

She handed him a yellow sticky. "I found these sites on my coffee break. This one will save you from having to bother funeral homes for all your casket needs at home." She tapped the one that read "That way if you want a coffin bed or a coffin couch you can just order it here. You can even get a coffin pencil case for the office."

"Drop dead, Lilah," he grated out.

"Well, I'd have the place to do it, if I ever come back to your condo. Oh, and for all your other kinky needs, try this one." She pointed to She tickled under his chin. "I bet you can find all the paddles you want."

"Where do you think I got the paddle in the first place?" He just raised an eyebrow and Lilah was taken aback for a moment then she grinned.

"What will we do with a boy like you?"

"For starters you can get out of my office before they think we're doing something that requires sanctioning." He gave her a warning look.

"Good point." Lilah swaggered off and was nearly immediately replaced by Linwood.

"You got robbed," Linwood said accusingly. His expression didn't soften when he asked, "Did you get hurt?"

Lindsey shook his head. "The trickster god just wanted his shield back. I got webbed to the wall but I'm not hurt. It would have been nice to know I was holding a sacred item that an Old God might want back."

"The Senior Partners told you what you needed to know. Perhaps they should have told us all a little more so we could have guarded the item more appropriately. Why don't you take the day off? You weren't supposed to be in anyhow." Linwood shot him a suspicious look.

"I know. My plans for my vacation were shot and after the sanction...well, working made sense." Lindsey hoped it made sense to Linwood too. "That incident with Lilah was the Trickster's doing, you know."

"Take it up with the Senior Partners," Linwood said and walked off.

Lindsey sighed and headed for home. There were cops in front of his building. He stopped and looked at Louis questioningly. "Tell me they're here for my neighbors."

"Yes, sir." Louis looked pleased. "Turns out they broke into condos other than yours, and were dealing drugs and had under-aged girls in their condo. This will be the last we'll be seeing of them. Did you find out who tricked their way into your condo?"

Lindsey nodded, stepping aside as the cops lead Skin-Head and Smelly out of the condominium. He beamed at them mockingly as they were hauled off. "It's been handled, Louis."

Going upstairs, Lindsey started cleaning up the residual mess left behind from the illicit party in his home. Afterwards, he went to Venice Beach and kicked around the boardwalk then headed into Caritas to top off the night. Lorne looked at him anxiously as Lindsey took a seat. "I think the ugliness has passed," he assured the demon. "But I want you to make sure."

Lorne seemed highly uncomfortable with having Lindsey there at the moment. "Blue Eyes, I'll have you bumped to the head of the line because if it's not...well, let's just say I like my bar too much to risk having it follow you here."

"Understood."

Lindsey still wanted his guitar when he took the stage after one of his fellow Wolfram and Hart co-workers left the stage. He knew the little weasel, a pissant of a wanna-be who'd love to take him and Lilah down. Lindsey knew by the way the man wouldn't meet his eyes that he wasn't a threat. He took the microphone and launched in a Johnny Cash song.

"_Love is a burnin' thing,  
And it makes a fiery ring  
Bound by wild desire --  
I fell into a ring of fire._

I fell into a burnin' ring of fire --  
I went down, down, down  
And the flames went higher,  
And it burns, burn, burns,  
The ring of fire, the ring of fire."

Lorne was at his table even before he got back to it. From the way the demon was smiling, Lindsey knew things were going his way again. Lorne clapped Lindsey on the shoulder. "This is the stuff I like to tell people, Pilgrim, the black cloud is lifted and you'll be getting some unexpected good news. Let me get you one of the house specials to celebrate. Red Death or mango daiquiri?"

"Red Death," Lindsey said sitting down. He wasn't sure what Red Death was but if Lorne was buying, he didn't really want a girlie drink. What did that say about him? He paged through the drink menu as he waited. Vodka, Southern Comfort, amaretto, sloe gin, triple sec, orange juice with a touch of lime, he was very glad he had taken a cab. He was on his second one, the five liquors going straight to his weary head when his phone rang. "Hello? Saeth! Of course, it's good to hear from you...you'll be here in twelve hours? No, I don't have more time off but I'll call in sick. A Trickster God beat me up today. No one will doubt I was a little more hurt than I first thought. I'll be at the airport with bells on...no, I'll be wearing more than bells in public but later... yes, I thought you'd like that. See you in twelve hours, love."

Lindsey shut his phone up with a huge grin. Lorne eyed him as he all but danced his way out of the club.

"Got that good news already?" the demon asked.

"Oh, yeah."

As he headed for home to prepare for Saeth's arrival, Lindsey felt great. He might have lost out to Iktomi and looked bad in the Senior Partners eyes but at least this time he had lost to a god and not a mere vampire. He didn't even care. Iktomi was out of his life. Saeth was flying back into it and all was right with his little world. He dropped off to catch a few hours sleep, perfectly content and anticipating a few vernal days playing with an exciting woman with the ugliness of his world held at bay. Who could ask for anything more?

Story requirements:

Must Have -- Character: Lindsey

Genre: Humour

"Lily (My One And Only) by the Smashing Pumpkins

Restrictions -- No slash pairing for Lindsey if there's a pairing at all

Rating Restriction (no higher than): PG-13

Spoiler Restriction (must be set no later than): Unrestricted

Spoilers - None set between _Epiphany _and _Dead End_


End file.
